Today started normal, I grabbed my coffee and sat on the porch, opened up the news, like I do every day. Then I read article after article about full beaches, pools literally filled past capacity, and quote after quote of people who “Aren’t afraid of this virus”, “are never going to comply with a stay at home order again”, “will be personally willing to die for their freedom”, and who in many flippant ways, simply did not care at all about who got sick, who died, or who will die. The rest of my day went downhill from there.
I even read a Fox News article where the corona virus was described as the “perfect storm for liberals and their evil plan”. What the fuck kind of evil plan? Healthcare? That’s for EVERYONE, which includes fucking conservatives. Evil plan. I don’t know any liberals with an “evil plan”, the ones I know want to make our country a good place to live for EVERYONE, which includes, again, conservatives as well. We’re all described as “delicate” and “fragile”. Oh, and they love to “make us angry”. Considering how much conservative people love their anger, I find it strange that they equate “making people angry” with being “delicate” and “fragile”. You know what’s “delicate” and “fragile”? The day someone finally pisses me off enough that I stick my fucking foot up their ass. I bet I’ll be real “delicate” and “fragile” on that day.
This shit is exhausting, y’all. As if living in a pandemic isn’t shitty enough, now it has to be political, each side “virtue signaling” to its base. If it isn’t one side literally refusing to give a single shit whatsoever, it’s the far other side, which are the “shamers”. We know who they are. They’re the people who are the reason we don’t take selfies with people we occasionally see out in public. The shamers will be sure to make a comment about “selfies not being socially distanced” wether or not you both wore masks and held your breath. There’s the conservative mom today in one article that said if public school starts back with social distancing that she’s sending her kids to private Christian school, and the uber-liberal mom who says that even if they re-instate school, her kids simply will not be going, she’ll homeschool. Our country has become emotionally and psychologically exhausting.
In any case, all of this hit me and just ran all over me. I started talking about it all to my husband when he got back from walking the dog. The talking got faster and faster, then it got shaky, then it just descended into sobbing. Here I am again, dead fucking sober, sobbing over today’s cache of shitty news articles. There is this thing that happens where if I cry once in a day, especially if it is right after I wake up, chances are the day should probably be erased and a do-over instated, because I’m going to cry 2 or 3 times more before the day is done, and that’s what happened. The thing is, I am so FUCKING ANGRY. I’m so fucking angry ALL THE TIME. I seriously am so angry that I would like to get in a fist fight, and I totally understand why someone would want to join a “fight club”. I feel like that pretty often (seriously, daily).
When my day starts this way, it bleeds into every other terrible thing I think about (and there are plenty of those). I google, “why do people think liberals are evil”? I think about all of the people I know who are all doing the best they can to advocate for others. I think about all of the conservative friends that I’ve lost over the past 10 years. I also think of all the liberal friends who considered me “not radically liberal enough” who I have also lost, and honestly, those hurt me worse. The conservative ones I can just chalk up to “it didn’t work out”, like a bad break up. The liberal ones? All that conjures up is the constant, familiar feeling of “I am not enough”. I am not good enough. I am not pure enough. I will never be good enough. Dear liberal friends, when you abandon another liberal friend because they aren’t liberal enough, I don’t exactly know what you think happens to that person. Do you think that they suddenly become best friends with the Tea Party and go mudding with a bunch of guys wearing confederate flags as capes? No, they simply feel abandoned by their own team and their own family. That’s it. They simply feel “not good enough to be on your side”. They don’t go yahooing into the sunset with a bunch of new cowboy friends. They feel betrayed.
The sadness spiral continued like this all day. I had one outing today (my nibling, Devin’s birthday), and things got better, but then I ended up in the depression hole again. I washed my make-up off because it was running down my face. I decided that going jogging would help. It would at least be a place to work out my constant anger. I found my energy surprisingly lower than usual and at one point, out of absolutely nowhere, tears were just silently streaming down my face as I walked down MLK, in my last, cool-down mile. I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I live in a country full of people who don’t give a fuck about anything but themselves. We’re ruled by a complete and total lying piece of psychopathic shit that makes us look like a joke to everyone. I saw a meme the other day that said “The rest of the world watches the U.S. like the U.S. watched Tiger King”, and I did that thing where I chuckled because I knew something was true.
I got home and made a simple dinner, starving from some aggressive activity that I hope my knees don’t regret tomorrow. I watched Rick and Morty, because why not. I had planned on bleaching my hair tonight because I had a creative color project that I wanted to do for my own entertainment value (and because if I mess it up, no one sees me right now), but found that I simply don’t have the energy for it. I feel squeezed out today, like an empty toothpaste tube. My eyes sting, and my limbs feel heavy. I feel like I couldn’t smile if my life depending on it. I feel hopeless for the future. I cannot believe that 40% (or more) of our population literally rallies for their own destruction. It’s about more than if a salon or a gym can open up, fine, open, but to me the truly sad part is the cavalier attitude that somehow, this group believes that because they have self-selected as “Trump Supporters”, that they are so resilient that no virus could or would ever touch them. They don’t have to be “afraid”, or even take any precautions. Believing in their Lord and Savior, Donald Trump is gonna pray that virus right away from them.
I feel like our Nation has lost its collective mind, and it’s making me lose mine.